Whenever I go through my journals from 2018 to 2022, I see the convicted heart of a 17-year-old to 21-year-old girl who longed to live God’s way. Each time I picked up my pen, it was because I knew that a life of total obedience was only possible through the power of the Holy Spirit.
And so, I would ask Him to teach me patience and help me love those around me. I would share how I felt about not speaking with Him as much over the past few days and express my desire to silence distractions and be with Him. I would tell Him about my struggles with Bible study, the state of my mind, and the weight of my thoughts. I would ask Him to uproot the seeds of hurt and doubt planted by people’s careless words.
And my contrite heart has never been turned away. I’ve been honest with Him about my brokenness and my deep need for His grace, and He has always shown me mercy.
It may be said about me that I lack perfection on this journey with God, but heaven can testify that I do not lack sincerity. God has seen my heart, my selfish motives, and my struggles; He has corrected me and continues to correct me. He has been a patient Teacher and my ever-present Helper. Nothing I am today is by my own power. I am evidence of God’s faithfulness and can testify that He always meets our honesty and willingness with His sanctification and empowerment.
My prayer is not only that I would never lose my wonder, but also that I would never lose my dependency. We never outgrow our need for the Father; we only grow in our awareness of how desperately we need Him. It can never be said to a believer: “As mature as you are in the faith, you still need God?” But it can be said: “As mature as you are in the faith, you still haven’t realized how desperately you need Him every hour?”
Oh Lord, You are my God
That claim belongs to only You
The architect of life
Each breath I draw was drawn by You
And if dependence runs in Your design
Then who am I outside of You?
Lord, without Your breath, I won't survive
So I must be made for trusting You
‘God Song’ by Hillsong United.
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